the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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