booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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