dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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