I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
23 People Confess The Trashiest Thing They’ve Seen In Person
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
19 Transgender People Reveal The First Sign That They Were Trans
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.