i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?