party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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