And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
