i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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