You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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