Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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