dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
