I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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