Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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