Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
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Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
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In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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