Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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