i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
