Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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