the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
