i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
