He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
