What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
