How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
