I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
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He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
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Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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