What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
