legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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