Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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