so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
