The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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