last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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