remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
