Redeem this text for a blowjob
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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