Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
