I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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