yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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