I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?