Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.