I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
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I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says