Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
