i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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