nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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