Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
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