dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
