I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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