Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
