I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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