True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
