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I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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