The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Someone signed my nipple.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
