she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
