Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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