When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
