Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
