I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
