i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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