Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
