Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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