if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
